I went to see this Tudor potboiler the other week. Most disappointing. Not only because Scarlett Johanssen is intrinsically annoying in that ‘I’m so passive which is why men love me’ kind of way but also because the film had a horrid and fatal flaw: we were supposed to swallow the notion that Henry VIII did NOT LOVE the witty, intelligent, accomplished and challenging Anne Boleyn. No, he preferred her ‘I’m so good and passive which is why men love me’ sister Mary. He was just sexually obsessed with Anne because she played hard ball and didn’t let him shag her. I just can’t bring myself to believe that. I NEEDED him to love her. If it’s going to be about sex then at least let us see some – cf La Reine Margot. This was chock full of simpering SOFT FOCUS when he slept with PASSIVE MARY and a 12a suitable rape/buggery scene when he finally consumates the relationship with EVIL FEISTY ANNE. Because that’s all a bad girl deserves.

Also, I wonder if Scarlett J is one of the botox babes Johann Hari writes about? She seems a little young but what else accounts for that implausible stillness of being the pervades her vacant visage? Apparently Hollywood acting standards have plummeted because none of the actresses can move their faces. Really, it’s a genuine issue in Tinseltown.

Anyway, I can’t be arsed to review it, it’s that bad, but this sums it up nicely.