Blag Lady used once to be described as ‘hardcore’. This meant she partied for the full 48 , no stopping, no pausing, just serious, hardcore, techno action. This is no longer the case. She might be described now as ‘lightweight’. And that is all for the good. However, last weekend we attended a ‘festival’ for Nice But Bim’s significant birthday celebrations. Actually, said birthday was in January, but alas, the weather would have been awful in January, so we opted for March.

In fact I tell a lie it was not a festival but a ‘weekender’ which is an appendix to the festival genre, where sophisticated types who are not posh enough for wigwams but too cool for tents stay in ‘chalets’ at places like Pontins Hemsby. Our accommodation, as shared with the Queen of Hearts and Lady Bling, was more in the line of ‘bunker’ as we booked too late to be allocated ‘club’ or even ‘family’ options. The boys and Cool Geek Bianca lived in ‘Pirouette Park’, with a sissy pink sign. We were down in ‘Treetops’ or Chatsworth as we liked to call it. It really is like going to stay on a council estate for your holidays. You even get an electric meter. No word of a lie.

Hemsby is the kind of place that makes Bognor look posh. We bought Bim a bumper sticker from a novelty shop that said ‘fuck you you fucking fuck’ and another one that made reference to a pump action custard rifle. He seemed rather pleased with them but ‘forgot’ them in the quaint country pub that we eventually found at the end of the rainbow. Hopefully as a ‘tip’ for the ‘well oi durno wot Adnams tastes loik do oi, oi only drinks varddka’ old bag landlady. Still the line spun sea bass was fresh as the Fresh Prince and they sold boiled sweets in the Post Office.

Anyway, back to the entertainments at the amusement park.

Ah, the exuberance of youth! Flat Eric comesout of retirement.

But the cafe floor. Was it Ceasar’s or Cleopatra’s? I forget. All I know is I’ve never seen anything like it and if I wasn’t feeling indulgent I would have posted just this one pic. Yes, this really is CARPET woven to resemble reconstituted stone flagging. Yes, it does smell of fags and vomit close up. OR even at a distance. Icing on the cake. Eat your heart out Butlins.